DAMS – BUILD YOUR RESERVOIR OF PERSONAL RESILIENCE

First published in LinkedIn on May 12, 2020

Written by: Angela Ng; Edited by: Kristen Ng

Many people think that resilience is a strength that only surfaces during setbacks as a kind of “bounce back” mechanism. On the contrary, I believe that resilience is something that we can cultivate during both good and bad times. We need to consciously build up our resilience so that we’re better equipped to deal with life at all times, not only when hard times hit. It should be a continuous process to help us Radiateduring good times, stay Robustduring challenging times and Regenerateafter failing or encountering setbacks. This is the “3Rs of Resilience” concept that I had first written a few years ago. 

I liken the measure of Resilience to a big strong tree. It would be firmly rooted and have wide and far-reaching foliage. It would neither succumb to strong wind nor wilt away in the winter. It would stay robust in Autumn, adapt to the cold in Winter, flower during Spring and flourish throughout Summer.

The current COVID-19 pandemic is a test of how resilient we are, collectively and as individuals. Our resilience during such a time is measured not just by surviving the pandemic, but also by how calmly we respond to the unknown, and how we adapt to the new norms – such as social distancing or telecommuting for work etc. successfully while maintaining our wellbeing.

How do we develop resilience? I have developed the DAMS strategy to help us build our resilience, especially during this difficult time. A dam creates a reservoir which prevents floods and acts as a water source for many activities, such as electricity generation, crop irrigation, and human consumption etc. If there are three phases (3Rs) in our life where resilience comes into play, than our resilience muscle is only as strong as the dams that we have built. It is the resources, ability and flexibility to adapt to difficult situations and stay well.

DAMS stands for Delayed gratifications, Acceptance, Meaningful relationships and Self-care (See infograph 1.0 on “Building Personal Resilience with DAMS”).

Delayed Gratifications

During stressful times, it is not easy to keep our impulses in rein. It feels good and almost a necessity to have immediate gratification in order to relieve stress. This is why we see people flock to beaches and parks as soon as the weather turned warm, with a complete disregard of social distancing measures. Likewise in Singapore, we saw hordes of people rushing to buy bubble tea on the day before the government decided to shut non-essential business for the 2-month long circuit breaker measures. 

It is distressing to have things that we derive pleasure and comfort from to be taken away from us, if even only temporarily. Over the last few decades, we have developed a culture of band-aid solutions and quick relief to avoid having to deal with the pain . We have forgotten the value of having patience to work through difficult times. However, there are many great benefits in experiencing delayed gratifications. Shown by studies to be one of the most effective traits among successful people, delayed gratification means having the wisdom to sacrifice immediate pleasures for long term goals. One learns to control their impulses and come to terms with discomfort without losing sight of their goals. During this process, self-discipline and willpower is cultivated. 

Acceptance

The opposite of acceptance is aversion. It is our human nature to resist discomfort and avoid it, even for a minor unhappiness, which makes practicing acceptance of a difficult situation counterintuitive. When we try to avoid an uncomfortable situation, we also end up obstructing our own growth because we are also avoiding seeing the problem for what it is. 

Acceptance is about being aware of the situation as it actually is, rather than how we would like it to be. Acceptance gives us the psychological flexibility to become a better problem solver. Rejecting reality does not change reality. By accepting the pains that comes with the situation, we can then choose to response intentionally and with purpose. Avoiding or denying the existence of the pain will only prolong its effects in our lives – in contrast, acknowledging and preparing an intentional response towards pain will result in truly creative ways of resolving the issues at hand. 

Meaningful Connections

In 300 B.C., Aristotle stated that true happiness is not to be confused with pleasures. According to him, true happiness comes about by developing good habits and surrounding oneself with people who can stimulate your soul. For example, while gossiping with co-workers may bring about some fun and joy in the moment, such an activity does not contribute to one’s personal growth, nor contribute to creating greater cohesiveness in the office environment. On the other hand, being willing to share intimately about one’s dreams and vulnerabilities, being ready to support each other into overcoming personal challenges will have quite the opposite effect.  

Meaningful connections is not determined by the number of friends or acquaintances we have, or how much time we spend with those people on average. A meaningful connection is someone that we find ourselves instinctively reaching out to during times of crisis. It is the person that you can reach out to during social distancing, who you can chat your heart away with even without seeing them in-person; the person who challenges you to grow and the person who can sit with your discomfort. Meaningful connections are not formed of obligations or conveniences. The quality of our connections impacts our emotional and mental wellbeing, which gives us the foundations we need for our resilience to grow and develop. 

COVID-19 is the time for us to review our connections and make an intention to build deep meaningful connections rather than many superficial ones.

Self-care

Many people often underestimate the power of self-care in building our personal reservoir of resilient powers. Self-care is not selfish. It is more than giving yourself a pampering treat or putting on aromatic candles for a relaxing evening of me-time. In real self-care, there are seven areas we need to fill ourselves up in order to be strong. 

The seven areas of self-care are Physical, Emotional, Mental, Social, Spiritual, Financial and Practical (see infograph 2.0 on “7 areas of self-care”).

If you find yourself struggling in any of the above areas during this pandemic, be it coping with strong emotions when coped up at home, or worried about finance due to the loss of income, then you need to work on either one or a few areas of self-care that might be lacking in order to strengthen your overall resilience.

Times of crisis are an opportunity for us to build our resilience. Apply the DAMS strategy during this pandemic to strengthen yourself so that when the crisis is over, you will be able to radiate and go after all your goals in life!